It's been like, what, 3 years? Man, how've you been? That's rhetorical, but hey if you make the effort to reach out through my new deviantArt or tumblr i'm not going to ignore it.
Wow there's so much that's changed! Almost all of it has been for the best, im not going to lie. Been able to do some soul searching, discovered that girls are uh, very
nice. I'm asexual and still a virgin, I haven't even had my first kiss yet how incredible is that? So, maybe an introduction is in order. My name is Gael
, and im a transgender man, currently working to become an animator. My interests are cartoon network shows (mainly Steven Universe, We Bare Bears, Adventure Time, Rick and Morty), video games (i still love Valve and Nintendo and im still actively talking to the people i used to online but i've also accumulated over 100 steam titles and have had particular interests like Skyrim, Thief, Assassins Creed, and Undertale), music (twenty one pilots is my jam i started listening when i was a senior, also ive taken a liking to Foster The People, AWOLNATION, Panic!, Gorillaz, and i still like Linkin Park completely unironically), general internet culture (uh i was ensnared in Homestuck and Tumblr in early 2013), and i am an active member of the LGBT community at Texas A&M.
Some things that have changed since you last saw me:
- I got a new dog I'm not positive you met Aggie my beautiful babby girl whom i love
- I was finally diagnosed with having severe ADHD and moderate depression, the latter of which didn't really appear until later
- I landed a great internship with BPS Technology and had to leave band to pursue it my senior year. I had the best time ever
- I came out as transgender the last semester of high school, actually became friends with a lot of the theater kids, and began exploring my sexual identity and attractions
- I took up fencing for a while and made some great friends that helped me open up, trust, and love
- I met an incredibly important girl named Liz who quickly became my best friend and later my first real
crush. she's well aware and it doesn't hinder our relationship 95% of the time
- I had a terrible coming out experience with my parents that caused me to enter an extremely depressed state for months and fail all my college classes
- I have begun repairing my relationship with my parents and will be starting hormones next semester
- I have finally developed a personality and style that feels correct and natural to me.
- I can draw people now finally thank god
I'm not going to lie to you. I've been mad and angry for years. I've never gotten over our relationship and how we both fucked up, i still have panic attacks when i even consider touching the one person I am fully comfortable with because I am so worried that she will end up like me. I was a shell of a person when I left. I honestly... dont really remember my freshman or sophomore years of high school. I remember fear, i remember deception, i remember feeling constantly dirty and kind of like a trained animal responding to key words and just running through the motions. Nat, I loved you. But you took so much out of me and gave me nothing fulfilling. I wont go into the details of what it felt like for me, partially because i don't want to make you feel like shit now for something you did at a bad time in your life, and partially because if i go into it I'll probably have an anxiety attack. But by the end of it all I didnt love you anymore. And I can't say that I miss you, because i dont. But i cant say you didnt have an important impact on my life, good and bad. I mean, we really were best friends in 8th grade, thick as thieves, and we had an unbelievable amount of fun. You showed me for the first time what a real emotional connection could be. I mean, I cant knowingly talk to taurus' anymore without being on edge but without you i wouldn't have had an important springboard for finding myself.
I realize now that what you did you had just as much control over as a snake has over the weather. Your mental health, i can only assume now that you have bpd but please correct me if i'm wrong, was not in a good or controlled place at that time and honestly you worked your butt off to keep it somewhat manageable. It often wasn't. It was my fault to try and save you, to try and take responsibility my little brain couldnt really comprehend at the time. It was your fault when you began to depend so much on me you couldn't imagine living without me. It was my fault for lying to you for two years and for placating your every desire and predicting your every emotion. It was your fault for putting me in a position where i felt i had to. We both made mistakes to sabotage ourselves, and both of us have had an awful time trying to get over it. But now, I'm not as mad. There is no doubt in my mind that our relationship was... Abusive. I dont miss you and i dont love you today. im in a much better place.
But i know now, i know that it wasnt your intention to hurt me. I know that you just wanted to make it work. i know that you just really needed someone, you needed any support you could possibly get and there i was offering myself so willingly it would have been insane to turn me away. And i wanted to help you and to be that support. This of course doesn't excuse the emotional abuse and i'm still working to rewire my brain. Now, I have a crush on my best friend and she means the world to me but i have anxiety attacks because i worry that she'll do something for me that she does not want to do and that terrifies me. The only thing hindering my relationship with her is the baggage from you that convinces me my feelings are manipulative and hurtful in nature. But dude, i know that you didn't want to hurt me. i know that.
You always did love it when i wrote you letters. Buckets and buckets of text. I cant write that much about other people anymore (except liz). But so much has changed me now... So much so that i feel like i've come into my own and i've felt like you've played a massive role in it. Id say your alignment is probably more on the chaotic neutral side when it comes to your overall impact. It feels... Wrong to have grown so much and not let you know about the person you've helped to create.
Maybe write me something. Post it on your dA or send me a letter on tumblr. I don't care how positive or negative it is or if you even do it at all. Just please i ask you make it true.